Now: I realize my stated purpose of this blog is to attempt to make you smile. This entry is not really funny but you may as well laugh because you can't do anything else. This week I met with historical renovation specialists to offer a solution to replace windows in two buildings that must meet the state and federal historical preservation guidelines as well as Anti Terrorism Blast requirements. This is good. This is what I do for a living. Now for the funny (or sad) part of the story. The walls of the two buildings are so weak they are not sure how they are still standing. The government is allowing the specialists to build a six inch reinforced concrete , three story, building shell inside these two buildings to hold up the original exterior walls and to allow the building to be certified for occupancy. They will then replace the windows with blast rated (Hopefully ours) windows.

Now for the really funny (or sad) part! This will cost millions (yes, multiple "m's") for EACH building. To add to the funny (or sad) part, these buildings are in the middle of a military facility where they will never be seen and, according to one gentleman I spoke with, most likely will never be occupied! I would love to sell them windows but in the interest of my Grandson's future, lets build a park there with a monument and a picture of the original buildings!!!!!! Are you LAUGHING yet?

Then: Electricity and fences. I love electricity. It is wonderful to flip a switch and the lights come on. I HATE getting shocked. Add electricity to a fence and it is also a wonderful thing. Animals who normally can not be contained suddenly stay where they are supposed to.

For those who are not familiar with electric fences, allow me to educate you. Electric fencers are a system by which a single wire is run from the power source around a field or enclosure. The electricity pulses on and off in about one second intervals as a safety feature should a person come in contact with the wire. If the ground was wet and the electricity was constant, you might not be able to let go. These fences must be maintained often because as weeds and grass grows up and makes contact with the wire it will weaken the voltage until it no longer shocks.

As a young boy on the farm, it was one of my jobs to check the fence to see if it was still working and cut the weeds if needed. I, being morally opposed to having the pi-s shocked out of me, learned I could take a long blade of grass and check the electricity flow. By laying the grass across the wire and slowing sliding it closer to your hand, you can feel when the current is strong enough to pass thru the grass to your fingers and still not get shocked.

My Dad and his brother, on the other hand, seemed to like the idea of home based "shock therapy" and would just grab hold of the wire. One day, they decided to have a contest to see who could hold on longest. The fact that I come from this gene pool is not something I am particularly proud of but since I look just like him I can't deny it.

Back to the contest. Contestant #1 (Dad) and contestant #2 (My Uncle) steeled themselves and with the usual "Ready", "Set", "Go", placed a death grip on the wire. The first few seconds it seemed the fence might have been turned off. Then the muscles in the back of their hand began to twitch with the electric pulse of the fencer. The longer they held on the more muscles reacted. Soon the muscles in their forearms were spasming. This continued and soon the biceps were flexing. All the time one brother (idiot) would say to the other brother (idiot) "Do you give yet?". Soon their entire arm was flailing like an injured bird trying to fly with one wing.

I don't recall which Olympic Fencer won this contest of stupidity. Does it really matter? The fact the contest was held says enough. The video here shows a brief interaction of a guy with an electric fence. Suffice it to say, this is NOT me in the video!

Now: This week, I convinced my boss to let me stay home and begin developing a presentation to use in educating architects about the commercial products we offer for their projects. It has been great to be home and sleep with the same woman seven days in a row! Today, I went to get my hair cut before I leave again on Monday. It is important to have your hair looking nice for the public and that is getting more difficult each week as I get balder and balder. :-) I have had my hair cut my the same lovely young lady, Jen, for some time now and she does a great job getting my greying cowlicks to lay down. That is no SMALL feat. HA

She changed shops recently and is now working for a brand new shop that just opened this week. Today was my first time to visit the shop and I was very impressed as Jen gave me the tour before she began working her miracle on my tresses. It is a beautiful, full service facility and every one was very kind. A delightful young lady by the name of Michelle took me to the wash station to shampoo my hair and I felt I was in heaven as she massaged my scalp. Suddenly there was a loud "POP", Michelle said "Oh, NO!" and ran.

Please understand I am not the fastest car on the track, but it only took a second for me to realize I was in the middle of a springtime Missouri thunderstorm with out the lightening and thunder! The water pressure had blown the hose off the supply line and now, there was a small version of "Old Faithful" shooting a solid stream of water to the ceiling. The ceiling, in turn, acted as a diffuser and WA LA, a thunderstorm with chlorinated water!

Fortunately, the United States of America and the U.S. Navy spent millions of dollars training me to be, in addition to a trained killer, a salvage diver and first responder. With shampoo in my eyes and bubbles in my mouth, I dove into the abyss, holding my breath like a Japanese pearl diver. I found the source of the inverted Niagara Falls and turned it off. If only I had a picture to share with you. HA

Now to tell you how you too, can have a wonderful salon experience. (I am being serious now!)
Contact Jen Phelps for an appointment and tell her Bob sent you. The salon is:

Ashley Lauren Salon & Spa
4303 South National Avenue
Springfield, MO 65810
417-887-2100

It is a salon experience like none other in Springfield and not just because of the slightly exaggerated previous story. I highly recommend it!!

Then: When I was about seven years old, still living on the Hunky Place, we came home from Church one beautiful sunny Sunday to find our very exuberant dog waiting in the drive. This dog just loved to jump up on the side of the car to greet people. My Dad did not like this and chose this moment to break the dog of this bad habit. Dad drove to the fence near the barn and instructed us to not touch ANYTHING metal in the car. You might not think that would be hard to do and you would be correct in today's car. Everything is plastic. BUT, in 1960, Detroit turned out REAL cars made of steel. We sat with our hands in our laps, scared to death as he drove the car up against the electric fence. We then waited until the dog caught up with us and jumped up on the car again. When the dogs paws touched the door panel it completed the circuit and shocked the dog. It yelped and jumped down looking bewildered. Then it jumped up again and repeated the process. The third time was a charm. The dog was trained and never jumped on a car again. Now that I think about it, neither did I!

Now: This may come as a shock to most, if not all of you, but I am NOT perfect. On the rare occasion I will make a mistake and today I made a mistake. Actually, the mistake started last September when we bought a new television for our living room with surround sound and four speakers. Best Buy offered to come install all of it and set everything up for a mere $400.00 to which I said "I don't need no stinkin installation crew!" Six months later, my lovely bride said "Honey, do you think you could finish installing the speakers so we can have this working?"

I had to agree that six months is too long to wait so I put my "Tim The Tool Man" hat on and grabbed my tool bag. After about three trips to the attic trying to fish the wires up thru the wall so they would be hidden, I was beginning to think $400.00 might not have been so much after all! On the fourth trip, I completed the mistake I had started all those months ago. I lost my balance and stepped off of the ceiling joist. Now there are only TWO places you can put your feet in the attic. ON the ceiling joist or NOT on the ceiling joist. When you chose the latter you find yourself at least knee deep in the living room below.

In the .35 seconds it took my leg to stop its downward plunge toward our new, maroon colored sofa, and withdraw itself back to the attic to join the rest of my now quivering body, several thoughts ran through my mind. In order, they were: 1. "That was stupid!" 2. "There is drywall all over the sofa." 3. "You stupid a_s!" 4. "Cheryl is going to kill you!" 5. "You are so stupid!" 6. "$400.00 doesn't seem so much now!" 7. "How stupid can you be?" It is amazing how many thoughts the human mind can process in 1/3 of a second!

Fortunately, I am pretty much OK. I have a baseball size knot on my left ankle and a softball sized knot on my ego but both will heal. :-)

Then: I have always been a sugar fiend. I probably always will be but diabetes makes that tough these days. HA One thing good about living in humid Missouri when you are a little boy who loves sugar are the lumps that form in the sugar bowl. I would often pass thru the kitchen and check the sugar bowl for lumps. If I found one and Mother was not looking, I would snatch it and pop it in my mouth! Before you ask, of course I didn't. Real men and little boys who are going to be real men don't wash their hands first! But I digress. As I became bolder in my life of crime, I began to get caught on occasion.

One day, there were no lumps in the bowl. Mother was not in the kitchen so I decided to up the level of my crime spree and check the canister where she kept the major stock of her pantry. I opened the top and there before my eyes was the Mother Lode of lumps. It was huge! It was the biggest thing I had ever seen. Before I could snatch it I heard Mother coming to the kitchen. Knowing I was going to be caught, I quickly reasoned it was better to reform my evil ways and ask permission first. I quickly called out "Mother, there is a lump of sugar in the canister. Can I have it?" To my shock and amazement she said yes! In a flash, before she could come to her senses, I scooped it up and tossed it in my mouth.

It was a second or two before my little body went into shock and began convulsing, starting at my toes and working its way up ending with my hair! I immediately became sick on the kitchen floor. As I finished Mother arrived in the kitchen and said "Oh yes, we are out of sugar. You must have looked in the salt canister. That will teach you." So much for reforming and doing the right thing! It is a miracle that little incident did not drive me to a life of crime!! :-)

Now: Up to now, I have poked fun at things I saw in my travels in the four state areas but I have avoided Missouri. No longer can I look the other way. Friday, I had an appointment with my cardiologist in Springfield. I arrived a bit early and parked in the parking garage. I had a pleasant time with the Doctor although she was running somewhat behind. Any time spent with a Cardiologist is good if the ticker is still pumping! :-)

When I left I discovered a maintenance crew had poured fresh concrete to repair the parking deck BEHIND my truck! I was so stunned. I stood there in disbelief and then I began laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes. At that point, I began looking for a hidden camera! I have been accused of pulling pranks on people in the past, totally undeserving of course, and thought someone might be trying to get even with me. :-) Then the realization struck that I had been blessed with a preview of the new Democratic health care overhaul.

Then: My first experience with driving was also when I was about six years old. My dad came home with a new pickup. At least it was new to us. It was much to long ago for me to remember what year it was but it was an old Ford truck with a four speed manual transmission. Having learned from some of my previous excursions, I FIRST asked if I could go play in the truck. My Dad gave his blessing since he had the key in his pocket. With the vivid imagination that only a six year old can have, I began my journey. Soon I was steering my 18 wheeler (Remember the imagination!) across the wide expanse of highways, bouncing over the rough road and passing slow vehicles. I soon tired of that and began to explore the equipment on the dashboard.

I pushed a shinny chrome button on the right side and the glove box opened. Empty. How disappointing. I moved to the left and adjusted the heater temperature and fan speed. I dialed the radio (Yes folks, you used to be able to do that.) frequency and volume. I am sure, in retrospect, my Dad appreciated that. HA I worked my way to the ignition switch but there was no key of course. I finally arrived at the far left side of the dash and found one last shinny chrome button similar to the glove box button. For those of you who are not aware of this fact, years ago you had to do TWO things to start a Ford. You turned the ignition switch to the "on" position and then you pushed the separate "STARTER" button.

Since nothing else I had pushed, pulled or turned had done anything I bravely pushed this most enticing button. The engine roared to life! Even without the key, the starter would operate. My Dad, to this day, still believes the "parking brake" is called the "emergency brake". There is no emergency so you do not use it. You park in first gear and exit the vehicle. As such, the starter button stuck, the brake was not set, and it was in gear. The truck lurched forward across the barn yard headed toward the milk barn with Richard Petty Jr. hanging on to the wheel. Fortunately, the starter button dislodged, the engine stopped and I avoided opening the first "drive thru" milk barn in the state of Missouri. It was many years, thankfully, before I tried my hand behind the wheel again.

Now: This week my travels take me deep into that wasteland called Kansas. If Dorothy had only been older and more mature, she would NEVER have clicked those pretty red heels together, thus committing herself to a lifetime at "home" in the Wichita area! For the first time on this trip I realized God still does work miracles in Kansas. Following a winter storm with snow, the temperature was below freezing. A heavy fog developed and under these conditions, it freezes to the surface of trees. This is commonly known as Hoar Frost and is quite beautiful. Only God can make Kansas beautiful! :-)

Then: SUPERBOY! For Christmas one year, I received a bathrobe as a present. Now we all know, real men don't wear bathrobes. As I recall, it was a red plaid robe but with the vivid imagination of a six year old, I only saw it as red with a large "S" emblazoned on it. With it tied to my neck I flew around the farm, faster than a speeding bullet, looking for wrongs to be righted! I would stand and let the bad guy empty his gun into my chest of steel. Unlike the fake guy on television, "I" did not duck when he threw the gun at my head. HA

I began looking for places to jump off of so my "cape" would fly in the wind behind me. Higher and higher I would leap until I finally found the ultimate "high building" to leap from. The porch railing on the back porch. It must have been six feet off the ground but to a six year old, it was a skyscraper! I fearlessly leaped into the warm summer air, flying high above the earth below, at least until gravity took over. I hit very hard. I don't recall the guy on TV yelling "Ouch!" but I did. Fortunately, nothing was broken but my pride. Superboy was grounded.