Missouri Humor

2010-03-06T19:39:00.002-06:00

Now: I have observed for some time how ambulance crews in the Springfield area approach intersections while on a run using lights and sirens. They will come to a full stop as they enter intersections with signal lights and then proceed as they determine it is safe. I have often thought they were taking caution to a bit of an extreme and a complete stop is not necessary. I also realize the few seconds they would gain by not stopping is more than worth avoiding an accident and possible injuries so I see their reasoning and agree.

Now for my trip to Oklahoma City this past week. I was sitting at a red light on a street that was six lanes wide. I hear a siren in the distance and begin looking for the source to see if I can move to make way for the emergency vehicle to make their trip safer. I soon see an ambulance approaching from a couple of blocks behind me. As all lanes are completely blocked by many cars there is nothing to be done but remain where I am. As the driver neared the stopped traffic in front of him he began driving in the oncoming lanes which were clear at the time because we have a red light. This is a common maneuver so I begin to watch the cross traffic to see if everyone is going to stop for the ambulance. Thankfully, they had.

Instead of rolling to a stop and then proceeding safely as I expected, this ambulance was apparently staffed by Bo and Luke Duke from Dukes of Hazard fame! They were traveling an estimated 60 MPH as they entered the intersection against a red light! I am not certain but I thought I saw a Confederate flag painted on the roof of the rig. I definitely saw the CB antenna waving back and forth. Bo (I know Bo was driving because I saw Luke's dark hair on the passenger side.) had to swerve that big unit four lanes to the right and exited the intersection on the right side of the road. It appeared for a moment the ambulance would actually get up on two wheels! With the skill of a Formula 1 driver he managed to keep the rig upright and straight as he continued down the busy street. I thought for a while I heard that famous Dixie horn blow in the distance! :-)

As our light turned from red to green, I heard Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane's voice say "Buckle up, Buddy Roe!" I checked my seat belt as I cautiously entered the intersection. The rest of my trip I kept looking for a white Jeep with very long legs and very short shorts, but to my dismay, Daisey Duke was nowhere to be found. :-(

Then: Back on The Hunky Place, it was the Fourth of July. I had begged my parents to take me to Monett to see the annual fireworks display and they had agreed. I was so excited. This would be my first time to see the public display. The day before, I became sick. I had suffered from several bouts of Tonsillitis as a child and, as it turned out, I had it again. By the evening of the fourth, I was quite ill and running a fever. So much for my trip to the fireworks. :-( I did discover I could see the high air bursts from my bedroom window even though it was six miles away. They were tiny in the distance but I was excited nonetheless. I did not realize it at the time, but the excitement was going to grow as the night went on.

Late that night it began to storm. It was a bad thunderstorm with heavy wind, rain and lightening. You must understand, in those days, there were no tornado sirens, storm warnings or even radio broadcasts because the local radio went off the air at midnight. The television stations also ceased broadcasting at night, not that it would matter to us because we would not own a TV (or Devil Box as it was called) for several more years. :-)

At some point, the storm became very violent and Dad decided we should take shelter in the storm cellar. It was one out in the yard like you see in the movies. You had to lift the door up and go down in the underground cellar. I always hated those things because they often leaked and had water in them. They were also usually crawling with spiders, mice and sometimes "SNEEKS!" HA Fortunately for us, the cellar was just outside the back door and someone had build a porch around it and a roof over the porch. Dad carried me, wrapped in a blanket, into the cellar with Mother. The storm grew stronger and then we heard this awful sound. It was a tornado! You could hear the roar of the funnel and then the crash of debris. I remember being so scared. It was over quickly and it grew quiet. Our house itself was not damaged much but the storm tore the porch roof off and collapsed it over our cellar door. Dad was able to crawl out and get us out. I was very glad to get back in my bed. That was enough excitement for one night for this little boy!

2010-03-04T18:02:00.003-06:00

Now: The following is a conversation I overheard while in a men's room in a Wal-Mart in Oklahoma today. Bathroom humor is not my bag but this was too strange to ignore. I give you my word this is NOT made up. This is exactly what I heard with the exception of a few changes in order to avoid being TOO crude.

I was standing at the urinal doing what all guys do and what most old guys do slower. I began to hear some strange sounds coming from a nearby stall. I thought to myself "That poor guy." Suddenly, a voice said "I have used leaves before but I have never had to use my hand. This is AWFUL." I started to offer to get him some paper as soon as I was finished when I realized he was talking to someone on his cell phone.

He continued his conversation by saying "This is gross! I can't believe I am doing this." There was a long silence and he said "Hold on. I gotta lay the phone down so I can stand up. Oh YUCK!!" The sound of a monumental flush followed.

At this point, I lost track of his conversation because my heart is beating in my ears. I began praying in a panic, "God, please help me finish quickly because I don't want to see WHAT comes out of that stall!" I have to admit at this point, I did NOT wash my hands (I hope my dear RN wife will forgive me.) nor did I look back. I RAN out the door. I don't think I even looked in the mirror until I was several miles up I-44.

With apologies to my friends from Oklahoma, but I believe he was an OU fan.

Then: When I was in the third grade my parents bought a 20 acre farm east of Monett. It was in the Kings Prairie community and at that time, they still had a one room country school. It was one teacher and first thru sixth grades. The school was about three miles from our house. Often, several of the neighbor kids walked to school together. Yes, I walked three miles, in the snow, up hill both ways... :-)

One early summer day a storm was brewing when school got out. I had ridden my bike to school by myself so I headed home. Our route took us beside a power substation near the school. As I passed the substation a bolt of lightening struck one of the transformers! I did not think it was possible to burn rubber on a 20" bicycle but I believe I did! Every hair on my body stood on end and I raced home as fast as my little legs could pedal. I did not slow down until I was laying in a heap, exhausted, in the livingroom floor.

I think that might have been what prompted my interest in weather and watching the forecasts!! :-)

2010-02-24T19:33:00.002-06:00

Now: I realize my stated purpose of this blog is to attempt to make you smile. This entry is not really funny but you may as well laugh because you can't do anything else. This week I met with historical renovation specialists to offer a solution to replace windows in two buildings that must meet the state and federal historical preservation guidelines as well as Anti Terrorism Blast requirements. This is good. This is what I do for a living. Now for the funny (or sad) part of the story. The walls of the two buildings are so weak they are not sure how they are still standing. The government is allowing the specialists to build a six inch reinforced concrete , three story, building shell inside these two buildings to hold up the original exterior walls and to allow the building to be certified for occupancy. They will then replace the windows with blast rated (Hopefully ours) windows.

Now for the really funny (or sad) part! This will cost millions (yes, multiple "m's") for EACH building. To add to the funny (or sad) part, these buildings are in the middle of a military facility where they will never be seen and, according to one gentleman I spoke with, most likely will never be occupied! I would love to sell them windows but in the interest of my Grandson's future, lets build a park there with a monument and a picture of the original buildings!!!!!! Are you LAUGHING yet?

Then: Electricity and fences. I love electricity. It is wonderful to flip a switch and the lights come on. I HATE getting shocked. Add electricity to a fence and it is also a wonderful thing. Animals who normally can not be contained suddenly stay where they are supposed to.

For those who are not familiar with electric fences, allow me to educate you. Electric fencers are a system by which a single wire is run from the power source around a field or enclosure. The electricity pulses on and off in about one second intervals as a safety feature should a person come in contact with the wire. If the ground was wet and the electricity was constant, you might not be able to let go. These fences must be maintained often because as weeds and grass grows up and makes contact with the wire it will weaken the voltage until it no longer shocks.

As a young boy on the farm, it was one of my jobs to check the fence to see if it was still working and cut the weeds if needed. I, being morally opposed to having the pi-s shocked out of me, learned I could take a long blade of grass and check the electricity flow. By laying the grass across the wire and slowing sliding it closer to your hand, you can feel when the current is strong enough to pass thru the grass to your fingers and still not get shocked.

My Dad and his brother, on the other hand, seemed to like the idea of home based "shock therapy" and would just grab hold of the wire. One day, they decided to have a contest to see who could hold on longest. The fact that I come from this gene pool is not something I am particularly proud of but since I look just like him I can't deny it.

Back to the contest. Contestant #1 (Dad) and contestant #2 (My Uncle) steeled themselves and with the usual "Ready", "Set", "Go", placed a death grip on the wire. The first few seconds it seemed the fence might have been turned off. Then the muscles in the back of their hand began to twitch with the electric pulse of the fencer. The longer they held on the more muscles reacted. Soon the muscles in their forearms were spasming. This continued and soon the biceps were flexing. All the time one brother (idiot) would say to the other brother (idiot) "Do you give yet?". Soon their entire arm was flailing like an injured bird trying to fly with one wing.

I don't recall which Olympic Fencer won this contest of stupidity. Does it really matter? The fact the contest was held says enough. The video here shows a brief interaction of a guy with an electric fence. Suffice it to say, this is NOT me in the video!

2010-02-19T19:01:00.003-06:00

Now: This week, I convinced my boss to let me stay home and begin developing a presentation to use in educating architects about the commercial products we offer for their projects. It has been great to be home and sleep with the same woman seven days in a row! Today, I went to get my hair cut before I leave again on Monday. It is important to have your hair looking nice for the public and that is getting more difficult each week as I get balder and balder. :-) I have had my hair cut my the same lovely young lady, Jen, for some time now and she does a great job getting my greying cowlicks to lay down. That is no SMALL feat. HA

She changed shops recently and is now working for a brand new shop that just opened this week. Today was my first time to visit the shop and I was very impressed as Jen gave me the tour before she began working her miracle on my tresses. It is a beautiful, full service facility and every one was very kind. A delightful young lady by the name of Michelle took me to the wash station to shampoo my hair and I felt I was in heaven as she massaged my scalp. Suddenly there was a loud "POP", Michelle said "Oh, NO!" and ran.

Please understand I am not the fastest car on the track, but it only took a second for me to realize I was in the middle of a springtime Missouri thunderstorm with out the lightening and thunder! The water pressure had blown the hose off the supply line and now, there was a small version of "Old Faithful" shooting a solid stream of water to the ceiling. The ceiling, in turn, acted as a diffuser and WA LA, a thunderstorm with chlorinated water!

Fortunately, the United States of America and the U.S. Navy spent millions of dollars training me to be, in addition to a trained killer, a salvage diver and first responder. With shampoo in my eyes and bubbles in my mouth, I dove into the abyss, holding my breath like a Japanese pearl diver. I found the source of the inverted Niagara Falls and turned it off. If only I had a picture to share with you. HA

Now to tell you how you too, can have a wonderful salon experience. (I am being serious now!)
Contact Jen Phelps for an appointment and tell her Bob sent you. The salon is:

Ashley Lauren Salon & Spa
4303 South National Avenue
Springfield, MO 65810
417-887-2100

It is a salon experience like none other in Springfield and not just because of the slightly exaggerated previous story. I highly recommend it!!

Then: When I was about seven years old, still living on the Hunky Place, we came home from Church one beautiful sunny Sunday to find our very exuberant dog waiting in the drive. This dog just loved to jump up on the side of the car to greet people. My Dad did not like this and chose this moment to break the dog of this bad habit. Dad drove to the fence near the barn and instructed us to not touch ANYTHING metal in the car. You might not think that would be hard to do and you would be correct in today's car. Everything is plastic. BUT, in 1960, Detroit turned out REAL cars made of steel. We sat with our hands in our laps, scared to death as he drove the car up against the electric fence. We then waited until the dog caught up with us and jumped up on the car again. When the dogs paws touched the door panel it completed the circuit and shocked the dog. It yelped and jumped down looking bewildered. Then it jumped up again and repeated the process. The third time was a charm. The dog was trained and never jumped on a car again. Now that I think about it, neither did I!

2010-02-13T21:08:00.005-06:00

Now: This may come as a shock to most, if not all of you, but I am NOT perfect. On the rare occasion I will make a mistake and today I made a mistake. Actually, the mistake started last September when we bought a new television for our living room with surround sound and four speakers. Best Buy offered to come install all of it and set everything up for a mere $400.00 to which I said "I don't need no stinkin installation crew!" Six months later, my lovely bride said "Honey, do you think you could finish installing the speakers so we can have this working?"

I had to agree that six months is too long to wait so I put my "Tim The Tool Man" hat on and grabbed my tool bag. After about three trips to the attic trying to fish the wires up thru the wall so they would be hidden, I was beginning to think $400.00 might not have been so much after all! On the fourth trip, I completed the mistake I had started all those months ago. I lost my balance and stepped off of the ceiling joist. Now there are only TWO places you can put your feet in the attic. ON the ceiling joist or NOT on the ceiling joist. When you chose the latter you find yourself at least knee deep in the living room below.

In the .35 seconds it took my leg to stop its downward plunge toward our new, maroon colored sofa, and withdraw itself back to the attic to join the rest of my now quivering body, several thoughts ran through my mind. In order, they were: 1. "That was stupid!" 2. "There is drywall all over the sofa." 3. "You stupid a_s!" 4. "Cheryl is going to kill you!" 5. "You are so stupid!" 6. "$400.00 doesn't seem so much now!" 7. "How stupid can you be?" It is amazing how many thoughts the human mind can process in 1/3 of a second!

Fortunately, I am pretty much OK. I have a baseball size knot on my left ankle and a softball sized knot on my ego but both will heal. :-)

Then: I have always been a sugar fiend. I probably always will be but diabetes makes that tough these days. HA One thing good about living in humid Missouri when you are a little boy who loves sugar are the lumps that form in the sugar bowl. I would often pass thru the kitchen and check the sugar bowl for lumps. If I found one and Mother was not looking, I would snatch it and pop it in my mouth! Before you ask, of course I didn't. Real men and little boys who are going to be real men don't wash their hands first! But I digress. As I became bolder in my life of crime, I began to get caught on occasion.

One day, there were no lumps in the bowl. Mother was not in the kitchen so I decided to up the level of my crime spree and check the canister where she kept the major stock of her pantry. I opened the top and there before my eyes was the Mother Lode of lumps. It was huge! It was the biggest thing I had ever seen. Before I could snatch it I heard Mother coming to the kitchen. Knowing I was going to be caught, I quickly reasoned it was better to reform my evil ways and ask permission first. I quickly called out "Mother, there is a lump of sugar in the canister. Can I have it?" To my shock and amazement she said yes! In a flash, before she could come to her senses, I scooped it up and tossed it in my mouth.

It was a second or two before my little body went into shock and began convulsing, starting at my toes and working its way up ending with my hair! I immediately became sick on the kitchen floor. As I finished Mother arrived in the kitchen and said "Oh yes, we are out of sugar. You must have looked in the salt canister. That will teach you." So much for reforming and doing the right thing! It is a miracle that little incident did not drive me to a life of crime!! :-)

2010-02-07T15:02:00.005-06:00

Now: Up to now, I have poked fun at things I saw in my travels in the four state areas but I have avoided Missouri. No longer can I look the other way. Friday, I had an appointment with my cardiologist in Springfield. I arrived a bit early and parked in the parking garage. I had a pleasant time with the Doctor although she was running somewhat behind. Any time spent with a Cardiologist is good if the ticker is still pumping! :-)

When I left I discovered a maintenance crew had poured fresh concrete to repair the parking deck BEHIND my truck! I was so stunned. I stood there in disbelief and then I began laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes. At that point, I began looking for a hidden camera! I have been accused of pulling pranks on people in the past, totally undeserving of course, and thought someone might be trying to get even with me. :-) Then the realization struck that I had been blessed with a preview of the new Democratic health care overhaul.

Then: My first experience with driving was also when I was about six years old. My dad came home with a new pickup. At least it was new to us. It was much to long ago for me to remember what year it was but it was an old Ford truck with a four speed manual transmission. Having learned from some of my previous excursions, I FIRST asked if I could go play in the truck. My Dad gave his blessing since he had the key in his pocket. With the vivid imagination that only a six year old can have, I began my journey. Soon I was steering my 18 wheeler (Remember the imagination!) across the wide expanse of highways, bouncing over the rough road and passing slow vehicles. I soon tired of that and began to explore the equipment on the dashboard.

I pushed a shinny chrome button on the right side and the glove box opened. Empty. How disappointing. I moved to the left and adjusted the heater temperature and fan speed. I dialed the radio (Yes folks, you used to be able to do that.) frequency and volume. I am sure, in retrospect, my Dad appreciated that. HA I worked my way to the ignition switch but there was no key of course. I finally arrived at the far left side of the dash and found one last shinny chrome button similar to the glove box button. For those of you who are not aware of this fact, years ago you had to do TWO things to start a Ford. You turned the ignition switch to the "on" position and then you pushed the separate "STARTER" button.

Since nothing else I had pushed, pulled or turned had done anything I bravely pushed this most enticing button. The engine roared to life! Even without the key, the starter would operate. My Dad, to this day, still believes the "parking brake" is called the "emergency brake". There is no emergency so you do not use it. You park in first gear and exit the vehicle. As such, the starter button stuck, the brake was not set, and it was in gear. The truck lurched forward across the barn yard headed toward the milk barn with Richard Petty Jr. hanging on to the wheel. Fortunately, the starter button dislodged, the engine stopped and I avoided opening the first "drive thru" milk barn in the state of Missouri. It was many years, thankfully, before I tried my hand behind the wheel again.

2010-02-03T08:24:00.003-06:00

Now: This week my travels take me deep into that wasteland called Kansas. If Dorothy had only been older and more mature, she would NEVER have clicked those pretty red heels together, thus committing herself to a lifetime at "home" in the Wichita area! For the first time on this trip I realized God still does work miracles in Kansas. Following a winter storm with snow, the temperature was below freezing. A heavy fog developed and under these conditions, it freezes to the surface of trees. This is commonly known as Hoar Frost and is quite beautiful. Only God can make Kansas beautiful! :-)

Then: SUPERBOY! For Christmas one year, I received a bathrobe as a present. Now we all know, real men don't wear bathrobes. As I recall, it was a red plaid robe but with the vivid imagination of a six year old, I only saw it as red with a large "S" emblazoned on it. With it tied to my neck I flew around the farm, faster than a speeding bullet, looking for wrongs to be righted! I would stand and let the bad guy empty his gun into my chest of steel. Unlike the fake guy on television, "I" did not duck when he threw the gun at my head. HA

I began looking for places to jump off of so my "cape" would fly in the wind behind me. Higher and higher I would leap until I finally found the ultimate "high building" to leap from. The porch railing on the back porch. It must have been six feet off the ground but to a six year old, it was a skyscraper! I fearlessly leaped into the warm summer air, flying high above the earth below, at least until gravity took over. I hit very hard. I don't recall the guy on TV yelling "Ouch!" but I did. Fortunately, nothing was broken but my pride. Superboy was grounded.

2010-01-29T20:53:00.005-06:00

Now: This week my travels took me to Overland Park, Kansas for the week. While traveling, I often need a small snack to keep me going. I was driving down the road and saw a sign for a bakery outlet store. As I pulled in the driveway I saw something else which suddenly changed my mind about getting a snack! What would this do for YOUR appetite? :-)

Then: While still living on the Hunky farm my Dad worked in Monett at the shoe factory during the day. He milked a few cows on the side which meant a long day that started quite early. One sunny spring day he came in the kitchen while I was eating breakfast and he was about to leave for the factory. I was deep into my morning bowl of Cherrio's, bulking up my six year old "ripped" body preparing for a day at school. He explained he had found a skunk in the cow feed bin in the barn. He told me he had shot it and I was to use a pitch fork and remove it before I got on the school bus so the feed would not be ruined. He left and I naively and obediently headed to the barn. I choked and gagged but was able to remove the murdered mammal as instructed.

The next couple of lines are not for the faint of heart so I will attempt to be gentle. I guess the easiest way to describe what happened is this. If only I had eaten Alpha-Bits instead of Cherrio's, I could have spelled what I thought of my Dad that morning on the lush green spring grass so beautifully highlighted by the bright early morning sun. It just this minute occurred to me what the poor school bus driver must have thought when I boarded the bus! Yuck!!

2010-01-16T20:46:00.003-06:00

Now: This week I traveled to Little Rock, AR for work. I was returning home and was on the road to Damascus (Arkansas) when this truck filled with loaves of bread pulled up beside me. I suddenly recalled the story in the Bible about the multitude being fed by one loaf and two fishes. As I looked at the truck laden with bread, I began to watch my mirror for two trucks full of fish to go with the bread. Am I about to witness a miracle here? Alas, I sadly was not. It was only two rednecks going to feed their hogs stale bread from a bakery.

Then: My first love. Our family only lived on The Hunky place for three years. Thus I attended Purdy elementary school for my first, second and most of my third year. While there I met my first love. Her name was BR and I fell head over heels for this young lass. I was so smitten I actually let her wear my jacket at recess when she was cold. I know the feeling was mutual because she broke her parents phone when she thought it was me on the phone calling her and she dropped the phone. Shortly thereafter, we moved to a farm east of Monett and I did not see her again.

That would have been around 1958 that we moved. Fast forward to around 1989 which found my wife and I sitting in Hammons Hall at SMSU for a writing awards ceremony for our second grade daughter. As we were waiting for the Monett students to be announced we heard them announce the Cassville students and their teacher. The teacher was none other than my first love, BR. With my lovely wife's encouragement, I walked to the other side of the gym and asked if she remembered me. She did! We chatted awkwardly for a bit and I returned to the love of my life, the mother of my children and the woman who loves me so much she has not smothered me in my sleep for snoring. LOL Oh, life was good when I was seven.

2010-01-10T17:50:00.006-06:00

Now: The weather this week has been unbelievably cold. The temperature this morning was -3 degrees! That is too cold for man or beast. This brings me to my newest investment idea. Of course, I am not a licensed or registered investment broker but this is so good I can not help but share it with my friends. While I was in Tulsa this week I did see evidence of one poor guys plan for the future and I am not recommending a snowball franchise. LOL

I recently read an article predicting the Arctic would be ice free in about five years, due to the supposed global warming issues. This worried me a great deal so I began to do some extensive research into the possibility that poor Al Gore might finally be right about something. I finally found the one fact in the equation the scientists have all missed. The global warming problem has been caused by aerosol spray but not by what was IN the spray but the manner in which it was SPRAYED. It is a known fact that approximately 95% of the worlds population is right handed. It is also well known right handed people spray their deodorant under the left arm first. The united spraying of vast amounts from left to right caused a global band of aerosol wind current thus causing global warming. Several highly respected scientific journals have asked me to publish my findings but I am reluctant to do so at this time. :-)

Now to the investment plan. As this phenomenon continues the temperatures in the Ozarks will continue to fall as they will rise in the Arctic. Within five years this area will be a frozen wasteland and the North Pole will shift to the intersection of highways 39 and 62 in Gateway, Arkansas. I and my close friends (you) will sell everything we have and purchase a glacier or as many acres of tundra as we can. In five years, when everyone here is commuting by dog sled, we will be the proud owners of ocean front property and be set for life! Don't let this get out or the price of ice will be driven up before we can complete our investments. :-)

Then: As I said in an earlier post, my Dad milked cows on the farm as well as working in Monett in a factory. He only milked about four head and it was done by hand. The milk was poured into stainless steel cans which were placed in a large stock tank filled with cool water to keep the milk cool until it could be picked up each day by the milk man. One warm summer day the milk truck failed to stop at our farm and drove right on past. I know this because I always waited excitedly for his arrival each day and would talk with him. I ran in the house and told my Mother he had not stopped. She was quite unhappy about this because the milk would not keep until the next day and would have to be dumped out. It has been many years ago but I remember quite clearly what my Mother said. "If that is the way he is going to be we will just get another milk man to buy our milk!" Now you may wonder why I have such a clear recollection of her words. I will be happy to explain. The next day when my friend the milk man arrived, I was waiting as usual. I quickly repeated, word for word, what my Mother had said. He smiled, rubbed me on the top of my head as he always did, and said he would see me tomorrow. As he drove out of the driveway, the kitchen door opened and out stepped Mother with a belt. Boy do I remember each word she said!! :-( I never have understood how someone can get in that much trouble for quoting someone else. LOL

2010-01-07T21:00:00.006-06:00

Now: I spent this week in Tulsa, OK making calls for "The Firm". I happened upon a unusual vehicle and had to stop to take a picture for you to peruse. I was afraid you might not believe my description without one to back me up. The vehicle I saw was the "Smart" car with this very unusual paint job. I have questioned the naming of this car from its inception. Why is it a "smart" car? Is it well versed in history? Does it speak multiple languages? I don't think so! In my humble opinion, it is not a "smart" car. I don't even think it is smart to drive one. I don't like the idea I would have to look up to see the top of the large truck tires in the next lane! It would be bad enough to have every truck driver in the midwest wanting to make you a speed bump but why add to the danger with that paint job? Then every redneck with a rifle and a dream of being a big game hunter will be after you too! Is that SMART? The decision is yours. :-)

Then: After I recovered from my big bike crash and gained a little more experience I was given permission to ride my bike up our farm road to the Lutheran Church about 1/4 mile from our house. My parents told me I could go that far unaccompanied but absolutely no further! After many trips to explore the Church grounds I found myself tempted to turn left at the Church and go on further. I sat at the stop sign on my tiny bike with two tiny angels sitting, one on each shoulder, advising me on important matters of a six year olds life. On the right shoulder sat the good angel saying "Now you know this is against the rules." On the left shoulder sat the evil angel saying "Go for it. No one will know because they can't see you. You're a big boy now." This continued for some time before I finally gave in to the devilish guy.

I rode down the forbidden road, the wind blowing my blonde locks behind me. It was like I was Easy Rider except he did not exist yet! I rode past several houses feeling more confident the further I traveled. Suddenly, a HUGE dog appeared trying to eat my right leg. I peddled as fast as my little legs could go until the dog finally stopped and returned to the end of his driveway. I stopped and turned to face the dog who was waiting for my return. My heart was pounding in my chest. What am I to do? I know this dog must be fed Kibbles and Little Boy Bits by his owner and he is sitting there watching my every move with a big smile on his doggy lips. I can't call for help and the only way home is back the way I came. I know I have to face this canine assain or I will have to face the wrath at home. Which is worse? Dog, Dad. Dog, Dad. Dad, Dog. Finally I realized I was more afraid of my Dad than this trained killer so I pulled myself together, looked the dog in the eye, mounted my trusty steed and charged! I still think I could hear bugles playing "Charge" in the background. I obviously survived the ride home and never told my parents about that evil little angel and how he made me take that ride. :-) Age six was a big year for me! :-)

January 1, 2009

2010-01-01T20:55:00.002-06:00

Now: HAPPY NEW YEAR! Today was a day off, naturally, so my lovely Bride and I drove to Branson, MO to have lunch and do some shopping. With the exception of being VERY cold, it was a beautiful day in the Ozarks. The sky was clear and the sun was shinning and bright. It looked every bit like a good day for a motorcycle ride until you opened the door. We did see one poor misdirected soul ( a good phrase when you don't want to call someone an idiot) riding an old school chopper.

One of my favorite sights in the winter is the icicles. When it is very cold, as it has been recently, you often see HUGE icicles on the face of the bluffs. As water runs out of the ground and the cracks in the bluff it freezes quickly and forms majestic ice columns. It is not unusual to see thirty to forty foot formations of ice with another one forming on the ground below growing UP to meet the hanging one. If only I had been ready with a camera to snap a picture for you!?!

Then: Another memory from the Hunky Place comes to mind. This was in the fall of my seventh year. I know this because my Mother was in the hospital having a baby. My Grandmother had come to stay with me on the farm while Mother was out of pocket. It was a warm sunny day and I was playing outside. The farm had very large trees which dropped a lot of limbs. I was walking around the yard stomping on these old dry branches and making a marvelous "popping" sound as they broke. "Why" you might ask? Who knows. Ask a little boy why he does most anything he does and you will get the same answer you get from an adult when asked the same question. "I don't know!" :-)

At any rate, I was leaping from stick to stick with great flourish when I landed on one stick that did not reward me with the resounding "crack" I was looking for. This stick bent under the weight of my foot and began to wrap around my leg! This was my first encounter with a black snake. As an adult, I realize black snakes are good and will not hurt you. They might bite you as a last resort to defend themselves but otherwise they are pretty harmless. As a seven year old, I thought I was going to be eaten whole by this huge creature! I recall screaming like a little girl and running toward the house with a snake that was probably almost as scared as I dragging along for the ride. The poor reptile finally fell free as Grandmother came to see what the commotion was all about. Over the years that followed, my Grandmother enjoyed telling this story because she said I was so frightened the word "snake" actually came out "SNEEK"! She found the offending beast and removed it, thus saving my life. Aren't Grandmothers wonderful?

December 29, 2009

2009-12-29T19:30:00.000-06:00

Now: While driving around the Ozarks on my travels I have seen several Christmas trees decorated by "Guerrilla Santa's". These are the trees you see on the side of a highway or a busy intersection that have been adopted by some unseen soul or souls. I like to think of them as "Guerrilla Santa's" because no one sees these individuals who are so overflowing with Christmas spirit they must decorate more than just their own home. While it seems no one sees who does these drive by decoratings, someone must because frequently these trees or bushes are in busy locales. There is a small bush at the corner of Kansas Expressway and Republic Road in Springfield that is actually growing out of a crack in the asphalt in the center of the intersection. This tiny tree was decorated over a period of days with new bulbs and ribbons appearing each day. Soon the poor thing was so over laden with decorations it could hardly stand up under the weight.

Some trees on the highways have been decorated very beautifully and are quite large. I saw one such tree that was growing precariously near the edge of a bluff loaded with tinsle, bulbs and stars. I wondered in amazement how it was accomplished. It seemed it would require a bucket truck to reach it safely but I find that highly unlikely. Was it done at night by a "Guerrilla Santa", replete with camo paint on his face to avoid detection?

I also wonder how long it will be before some misdirected "Scrooge" will file a lawsuit against the state because they are "offended" by the display that is on public property and require the state to move officers from the Missouri State Drug Task Force during the month of December. For the month of December they would become the Missouri State Christmas Task Force responsible for staking out potential trees to catch these "Guerrilla Santa's" in the act of their drive by decorating. That intrigues me. Perhaps I shall stake out a tree for myself and stock up on some face paint in preparation for next Christmas!

Then: The winter after we moved to the Hunky Place we had our first snowstorm in the country. As I recall, it was a beautiful deep snow with large flakes. The kind you can stand in and actually hear the flakes as they land. It was evening time and Dad was in the barn milking the cows. Mother and I were in the house where it was warm and dry. I don't remember what it was now but I asked to do something and my Mother, from the next room, said "no". I, being a young cocky lad of six, retorted something along the line of "Someday I won't live here anymore and you will be sorry!" While I don't remember my exact words I do remember the feeling of dread that swept over my body from my towhead to my toes as I realized I had really stuck my foot in it this time. Mother promptly went to my room and packed my little brown cardboard suitcase with my PJ's and underware, clean shirt, toothbrush, ect. She proceeded to bundle me up in my snow boots and coat and hat and opened the kitchen door. She said "I will miss you son." and pushed me outside and closed the door. Panic struck! "What have I done?" I wondered?

I looked at the barn and realized I was saved. Dad can't know what happened. I will go to the barn and he will make her take me back. I headed to the barn and immediately ratted Mother out to him. Dad looked at me and said "Son, if Mother kicked you out she must have had a good reason. Sorry boy. Start hiking!" He pushed me out the door. I began walking to the road in snow up to my thighs. Of course, at the age of six, that would be only about 12 inches deep but at the same time, at the age of six, that is a LOT of snow! I trudged slowly toward the road and kept looking back. I could see by the light of the single bare bulb on the pole outside the barn, Dad in the barn door and Mother in the kitchen door - both warm and dry and watching my every step. It seemed like I walked a mile before, finally, Mother called me back. Just for the record, that was the one and only time I tried to run away!

December 23, 2009

2009-12-23T19:11:00.004-06:00

NOW: Today I journeyed back thru "Lap Land" to return home. At one point a huge bird swooped down across the highway in front of me and landed in a large tree overhanging the road. It was a American Bald Eagle in all of its magnificence. They are so amazing to watch. I need an eagle for a pet! Anyone who knows me knows I am a patriot to the bone! I am a very proud veteran. I was drafted to serve in Vietnam in 1972. Before I was actually called up the draft was ended as the war was winding down. I waited a few months and joined the U.S. Navy in December. Rumor has it I single handedly defeated Communism by skillfully operating my radar. That was slightly overstated but... I could tell you the truth but then I would have to kill you. :-) I just want you to remember those who are serving and can not be home with their family and loved ones for Christmas. Pray for them!!

THEN: We moved from the house on Lincoln Street in Monett to a farm west of Purdy, MO. It was known as "The Hunky Place". I must assume the owner was a "hunk" because the house was nothing special. HA I learned to ride my first bicycle there. I soon could ride well but I could not reach the ground to start or stop. Dad put a bale of hay in the yard and I would stand on the bale to start and then learned to stop at the bale. I became quite the hot dog on my tiny bike and my faithful dog went everywhere with me. One day while riding as fast as I could my best friend turned left in front of me without signaling. I hit the dog and went over the handlebars. I proceeded to body surf down the asphalt road and boy did that HURT!!! My chest hurts now just thinking about it. OUCH!

December 22, 2009

2009-12-22T21:54:00.002-06:00

Now: Today I traveled to the southeast corner of Missouri for an appointment. It was a five hour drive thru "Lap Land". For those not familiar with this part of Missouri don't bother looking on the map. Even the latest edition of Rand McNally does not show "Lap Land". It is the area along the southern border of Missouri where Arkansas "laps" over into Missouri. It is difficult in this area of the state to differentiate between the Missouri and the Arkansas Hillbillys. :-) A prime example of this is the name of the first business I saw in the historic district of Cape Girardeau. The name is, and I kid you not, "Rufus' Mud Sucker Liquid Lounge"! I can just imagine what the speciality drink is in that fine establishment!! LOL

Then: The year I started kindergarten we still lived in the house on Lincoln Street in Monett. I met "R" in school. As it turned out, his aunt was our neighbor. We soon became good friends. One beautiful, warm sunny day "R" and I were playing outside. Eventually, we grew tired and sat on the curb in front of our house. My new friend and I began playing with the valve stems of my Dad's car, he at the front tire and me at the rear. The noise of the air leaking out was almost intoxicating. At the tender age of five we did not understand the concept of airing "up" a tire until my Dad came home from work. "R" was not there for that part of the "education" of course but I NEVER let the air out of a tire again! :-) This was the beginning of a long friendship as "R" and I graduated from high school together 13 years later.

December 17, 2009

2009-12-17T21:44:00.001-06:00

Now: Duct tape is good for a myriad of uses. That is a well known fact. My family can attest to this also but I wish they would forget at least one Duct tape failure. :-) I digress. Today I stopped to buy gasoline and there was very old (1985 era) red Toyota at the pump next to me. As I looked at the car I imagined how the engineers and designers at Toyota would cringe if they could only see what had happened to their efforts to put a hot looking, red sports car on the new car show floor. This car did not have a single surface without damage, rust or Bondo on it. It had broken glass and the drivers door would not open. I turned as not to stare while the young man added oil to the engine. Suddenly, I heard the familiar “rip” of Duct tape being removed from the roll. I looked back to see the youth securing his hood in the closed position with… you guessed it, Duct tape! Not just a little bit but yards and yards of it. I could only wonder, as he drove into the darkness, if this was a recommended use for this product.

Then: My first Christmas memory was December of 1957. We lived in a tiny white rental house on Lincoln Street. This was only a few blocks from Saint Vincents Hospital where I graced Monett with my presence in 1953. I was so excited to go to bed on Christmas Eve because I could see the Christmas tree from my bed. I had announced at dinner I was going to stay awake and watch Santa visit our house. There was no chimney for Santa to come down but I was sure he would get in somehow. Finally bedtime came and every few minutes my mother would say “Are you asleep yet?”. I would answer with indignation in my voice “No. I am waiting for Santa!”. Unfortunately, then as now, if I lay my head down I am asleep. I awoke in the morning and was very disappointed to find I had fallen asleep and missed the jolly fat man but that disappointment was short lived when I saw the presents under the tree.

December 16, 2009

2009-12-16T21:32:00.003-06:00

NOW: I am working in Kansas City this week. Many of the clients I call on do not seemed concerned for their safety as the location of their businesses are frequently not in the best part of town. I was sitting at a stoplight at the corner of 68th and Troost waiting for the signal to change when I suddenly found myself looking in the face of a rather large black man. He was waving a stack of newspapers with the headline of “NO SECOND CHANCE FOR TIGER” with one hand and a pumpkin pie in the other. I assured him I needed neither and thanked God the light turned green! You certainly did not see that on the farm where I grew up. LOL

THEN: July 27th, 1953. I was born in Monett, MO in the Saint Vincent’s Hospital on Lincoln Street. I don’t know the time of day because I had not learned to tell time yet. :-) Dr. “A” did the caesarean section on my Mother. Dr. “A” was a fine physician and was my Doctor until I joined the U.S. Navy. It seems Dr. “A” frequently needed to unwind from his stressful duties of keeping our small town healthy. It is reported his preferred relaxant came in a bottle and after hours he was known to imbibe to excess. Unfortunately for me, I was born after office hours. I don’t know about his license to practice medicine but Dr. “A” would have lost his license to drive had he been stopped on the way to the hospital. During the surgery I was stabbed in the left side. Perhaps I am being over dramatic saying I was stabbed. It was more like a nick of about ¼” in length. The interesting part of the cut is the fact that the taller I grew, the longer the scar grew. I now have a scar about five inches long on my left side. It has been one of my claims to fame. I survived a knife fight earlier than any of my friends! LOL